


The Bachelor

by Kanra_chan



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Crack, F/M, Game Shows, M/M, Multi, NOT AN INDICATOR AS TO WHOM HE WILL END UP WITH, Plot line will come about somewhere, THE RELATIONSHIP TAGS ARE JUST ALPHEBET ORDER, eventually, maybe smut??, the bachelor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-12-08 17:05:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11650959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanra_chan/pseuds/Kanra_chan
Summary: The Bachelor! But it's in the Durarara!! Universe.In this show you, the readers, cast your votes each week to see who goes home at the end of every new chapter! Who will our bachelor, Izaya, go home with?! YOU DECIDE!Choose between contestants Celty, Kadota, Mairu and Kururi (who are playing together as one), Kasuka, Mikado, Namie, Simon, Shizuo, Shiki, Shinra, Tom, and Vorona. Votes end each week on Thursday, as a vote cast past midnight on Thursday is a vote on Friday and will not be counted. Any ties will be broken by my lovely angel who is unbiased and not in the fandom.You will be voting each week on which character you want eliminated, so be careful not to vote for who you want to win or it will be counted as an elimination vote. This is written like a reality tv show and is interactive for the time that it is in progress. 'Have fun, remember to vote, and hopefully Izaya Orihara will end up with his perfect match!ON HIATUS





	1. Meet 'N Greet

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy and remember to vote!

Welcome to The Bachelor! A brand new season! And we've got a lot in store for our viewers this time, as you can see! 

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First, let's meet our Bachelor. Izaya Orihara, a handsome and wealthy man indeed! He enjoys human watchin- really? That's an interesting way to put it... He also likes stalking young, depressed women and stomping on cellphone- Wait that can't be right...  
  
"That is correct."  
Really? And this is a...hobby?  
"Yup!"  
Uh... A-anyway! Orihara is wealthy! And handsome! And not at all creepy so please watch our show! He's 23, height 5'-  
"21."  
...no it says your date of birth right here-  
"I'm 21."  
...sir we have your birth certificate verified and-  
"I. Am. 21."  
...He's 21, 5'9, weighs just 128 lbs and is just a real catch ladies and gentleman. Why don't we- Why don't we just go ahead and meet the contestants now??  
Please?  
Okaay now he hAS A KNIFE STOP SMILING I'M SCARED!

* * *

 

Hello contestant number 1! Please tell us your name and why you're here.   
  
[Hello. My name is Celty Sturluson. I'm here because I accidentally wondered on set and they won't let me leave. Could you tell me where the exit is??]  
  
Fantastic! Tell us a little about yourself, please.  
  
[Um, well, I like to... Well... Please, I want to go home.]  
  
Hahaha! Isn't she a charmer! Real quick, could we get a peak at that pretty face?  
  
[Sure.]  
  
Wonderful, wonderf-OH FUCK SHE DOESN'T HAVE A HEAD OH GOD ARE THOSE SHADOWS-

* * *

 

Welcome contestant 2! Please give us your name and why you're here.  
  
"Yo. My name is Kadota Kyouhei. I'm here because my friend Erika is BL crazy and thought that I, a perfectly straight man, would fit right in on a dating show where I'll apparently be competing for another mans affections." ...okay. Well, please, tell us about yourself?  
  
"Well I like WOMEN for one thing."  
  
...

* * *

Contestants number 3! Welcome! Aah I see you two are competing as one, how interesting! Please give us names and why you're here!  
  
"Hi!! I'm Mairu Orihara! I'm here to get famous on TV!"  
  
"Hello. I'm Kururi Orihara. Going to be famous..."  
  
Wow, the same last name as our bachelor, how fun! Well it is a common named  
  
"No, we're his sisters!"  
  
"Iza-nii..."  
  
...what... That's-that's sick... This is a DATING game....  
  
"Yeah we know! What's your point!?"  
  
"Will kick you..."  
  
U-um okay! What do you two like to do- OW DON'T KICK ME! YOU TWO AREN'T EVEN LEGAL ARE YOU ON HERE!? THIS IS BREAKING SO MANY LAWS HOW IS THIS AIRING ON TELEVISION-

* * *

Please. Please tell me your name and why you're here, WAIT HANAJIMA YUUHEI?!  
  
"My name is actually Kasuka Heiwajima."  
  
WHY IS A FAMOUS ACTOR ON HERE?  
  
"My brother is competing. I'm here to support him."  
  
Okay... Well. How noble! Tell us a bit about yourself?  
  
"I like acting."  
  
Anything... Anything else?  
  
"My brother."

* * *

Welcome... Please tell us your name and why you're here.  
  
"Mi-Mikado..."  
  
Mikado...?  
  
"Ah, oh! Mikado Ryuugamine... I'm h-here because I this is something new!"  
  
Being on a game show?  
  
"Dating an older man."  
  
How old are you?  
  
"A-ah, 15..."  
  
THIS ISN'T LEGAL FOR FUCKS SAKE, GET THE AIR CONDITIONER KID OUTTA HERE

* * *

Name and reason for playing please. Please tell me you're legal and or not here for incestuous reasons.  
  
"Namie Yagiri. I'm 21 and here to make my love interest jealous."  
  
Oh thank god. Tell us about yourself.  
  
"I have a younger brother. He is the most perfect thing in existence and we will be together."  
  
WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE HERE?!

* * *

Hello. You look perfectly legal and not into your siblings. Please, what's your name and why are you here?  
  
"Come to Russia sushi!"  
  
What?  
  
"Russia sushi delicious! Eat sushi, make you happy!"  
  
Your name, please?  
  
"Simon! May know fROM RUSSIA SUSHI!"  
  
Okay... And tell us about yourself and don't say sushi-  
  
"RUSSIA SUSHI WHERE EVEEYTHING GOOD PRICE AND TASTY MEAL-"

* * *

 

Be normal.  
  
"What?"  
  
Just be normal please.  
  
"Are you making fun of me or something bastard!?"  
  
Oh god,no! I'm not I swear! What's your name, fine gentleman!?  
  
"Shizuo Heiwajima."  
  
O-okay. And why are you h-here?  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
Oh god someone save me please oh god oh god oh god

* * *

Name and reason for being here please.  
  
"You may call me Shiki-sama."  
  
And why are you here?  
  
"..."  
  
Why... Why are you here, Shiki-...sama?  
  
"I don't think that's any of your business."  
  
Okay... Can you tell me a little about yourself?  
  
"..."  
  
Could... Could you tell me a little about yourself, Shiki-sama?  
  
"No."

* * *

Who are you and why the fuck are you here.  
  
"Whoa! Kind of cold there, narrator-san! I'm Kishitani Shinra! I'm here to find the love of my life and Orihara-kun caught ky eye right away!"  
  
Great. Next.  
  
"W-wait, don't you wanna ask me about myself?"  
  
Please, god no I can't take it-  
  
"I like dissecting things! Humans and supernatural beings in particular! I work as an underground doctor for the mafia and Yakuza."  
  
Fantastic.  
  
"Can I have a blood sample?"  
  
Oh for fucks sake

* * *

...

"Um. Hello?"

...

"Hello? I'm Tom Tanaka."

Okay.

"...I, uh, I'm here to find love. I recently decided to give men a try and thought this sounded fun..."

Are you...

"Yes?"

Are you normal?

"...yes? I think so?"

Run.

"What!?"

Run fast.

* * *

Oh, hello miss!

"Greetings."

Oh, what a lovely accent! What's your name?

"Vorona."

...Vorona what?

"Am human. Female. Age 20. Blonde, blue eyes, weight 120-"

I see! Why are you here?

"Am most certainly not Russian assassin sent to eliminate contestant."

....I-I see. What are some things you enjoy?

"Not killing humans. That is bad thing."

You... You sound like you enjoy that...

"I enjoy a lot."

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Ha ha haOH FUCK IT'S A GUN

* * *

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT! Those are our terrifying contestants! I have people yelling at me from behind the camera not to call them terrifying but my pants are very wet and I trust no one. Stick around!

* * *

 


	2. Speed Dating With Izaya And Friends!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so I got pretty fucking mad writing this. I lost some scenes, ONES I WORKED VERY HARD ON, and had to rewrite them. Docs has been messing up so I couldn't use that and I just-wow I am so mad. I'm also sorry this came later than I expected, there was just a LOT in this chapter and I'm not used to doing chapters more than 1000 words long let alone with so many characters AND trying to keep it funny. But hey, you're getting around 4000 words of chapterey goodness! 
> 
> :p As I'm writing this it's not even close to done and I have a lot to do still so...yeah.
> 
> Anyway, be sure to check out Outwit, Outplay, Outlast, by Empress_Of_Trash. It's a survivor style fic inspired by the show and is just really super clever. Hopefully Izaya will win! Remember to vote, on that story and mine, for who you want eliminated!
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3

Welcome back! I'm surprised to see you, actually. You really want to watch this? You want to see these wackos date.

Yes?

No?

Well, if you're just here to see me terrified or here to see crazy people on television, I'm sure you'll get what you want! First up, we'll see Orihara going on quick dates with some of the contestants and see who he chooses to eliminate tonight. 

 **Sponsored by:**  Otaku! You can make fun of us and shun us, but we run one of YOUR favorite things now motherfucker.

 **Also sponsored by:**  Fandoms. Because you're fucking crazy and we appreciate that to the point we'll shamelessly exploit it for money.

Lets go ahead and watch our Bachelor meet some of the contestants, as well as some contestants meeting each other! We didn't have time to show it all, so we've brought you the best (and the worst) of this meet and greet, and made sure everyone gets featured on tonight's episode!

* * *

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss...?" Izaya asks. He's sitting across from a woman in a full body leather suit and cat helmet. The room is set up with various tables and a snack bar. He has a coffee, but nothing else and neither does the woman. Quite a few people are glancing at them, some jealous this biker got to him first. A bartender in particular looks fairly disappointed. He sees no bar, much less any alcohol, but he can't be a contestant.

[Celty.] She replies, holding up a PDA. She thinks the man is somewhat handsome, dressed up in a smart suit with a red rose in the front pocket. _'But still, I want to leave. I have plants to water!'_

"Celty-san! How lovely." It's not lovely, he thinks, but it's unique and so is she. Very unique, considering he swears he sees black smoke creeping from underneath her helmet. He'd heard the narrator shouting something about someone not having a head yesterday, but surely that's not true...  _'But if it is... I could use her to my advantage~'_

[Thank you.] With how intently he's staring at her, she feels a little uncomfortable. His smile is too sharp, insincere, but she can't think of the word for it at the moment.  _'Maybe he's just nervous...'_

"So, tell me about yourself will you?" He asks, leaning forward. He's lucky to have gotten someone at least mildly interesting, and someone with such a lovely figure in a skin tight leather suit doesn't hurt either.

[I'm not supposed to be here.]

"...Oh? Then why are you here?" He wasn't expecting that.

[They won't let me leave. You seem nice but I really want to go home now.] Honestly she's a little scared, everyone here seems kind of off and yesterday a man in a lab coat asked for her blood and told her she was amazing. 

"..."  _'She has to have a head. Unless she's a ghost?'_

[There's a man asking for my blood sample.]

"I see..." 

[Please help me.]

"Hey, do you have a head?"

[No.]

* * *

"How OLD are you?" Mairu asks,  practically on top of the table the three of them are sitting at. Kururi is beside her, her sister quiet as she always is. 

"Mummy..." Kururi mumbles and Mairu laughs.

"He is! He's even in white!" She laughs, loud and obnoxious. 

Shiki doesn't say anything. He refuses to talk to two brats who call him a mummy. He's a leader, damn it, and he's not graced this reality show with his presence to be sat next to brats. Still, they are guests as he is and he will be polite. 

"Hey, hey, can you speak?" The braided one demands of him. When he just stares coldly she gasps and turns back to her sister. "Kuru-nee he can't! He really  _is_  a mummy! HEY IZA-NII! IZA-NII ONE OF YOUR DATES IS A MUMMY!" She calls across the room. Izaya just gives her a thumbs up, too busy conversing with a woman with a cat eared helmet to indulge her.

"Iza-nii?" Shiki finally speaks, brows furrowed.

"Brother..." The quiet one mumbles.

"Eh? So you can talk? Hey what's Egypt like?"

"Dry." He can't believe this. "He's your brother? And you want to date him?"

"Ewwww no! Sick!"

"Incest is not wincest..."

"Then why are you two here?" He asks, leaning back in his chair.

"People are gonna see us on here and realize how cute we are! We'll be famous right away!"

"Cute... fame..."

Mairu nods, shoveling junk food in her mouth.

Please move to a new table everyone!

* * *

_'Oh boy...'_

"Come to Russia Sushi." Says the large man who's just sat himself down in front of Izaya. He had moved to a vacant table, eager to see which contestant came over first. A blonde bartender had started, but this large black man had beaten him to it.

"Oh my! We haven't even introduced ourselves and already you're inviting me on another date? Heh, someone's infatuated huh~?" He purrs, putting on the charm immediately. This man had a dead look in his eyes that just screamed he liked killing cats and, possibly, using them for sushi and Izaya loved playing with those sorts of people.

"Russia Sushi! Low price, big meals!" 'Yes. This man is perfect.' Simon thinks to himself.

"Aah, that's... nice." He forces a smile. "I'm Izaya Orihara, and you are?"

"Simon, from Russia Sushi!" 'Small hands, smart, charming... perfect indeed. For making sushi!'

"Если ваш японский бедных, я свободно говорю на русском языке." Izaya replies, wondering if the man doesn't know enough Japanese to communicate properly.

Ah! It seems our Bachelor speaks Russian! I'm getting the translation now, he said... ahh, "If your Japanese is poor, I'm fluent in Russian." Well that'll be good for more than one of our contestants!

"Приезжайте в России суши!" Simon says, smiling warmly. Izaya, however pales a little.

And Simon has replied with... "Come to Russia Sushi." Oh...

Simon smiles, imagining the pale Japanese man making sushi... _'Rolling the rice, preparing seaweed, stuffing those hot little rice mixtures with meats for the sushi...'_

"Ваши суши будет чучела так полный..." Simon moans, gripping the table now. Izaya is scared he's going to start rutting against it. 

He said-

"Don't," Izaya cuts the voice off. "Don't translate that."

"Моя нигири так трудно прямо сейчас. Съесть его, прежде чем он идет черствый~"

Why don't we s-switch tables everyone!

* * *

"Namie Yagiri. Don't try to impress me, I have a brother." She's no nonsense, sitting down at his table as soon as Simon leaves and snapping her fingers at him.

"Well I'm not here to become your brother..." He laughs. She barely looks at him, pulling out her phone. _'Tch... annoying woman.'_ He already doesn't like her, and it seems the feeling is mutual. 

"No, but your sisters are here aren't they?" She asks. He sighs, not quite sure where she's going with this.

"Yes. Little pests..." He answers, considering taking his own phone out. At this she glares.

"Oh, I get it. So those poor little girls are here and you won't even give them a chance? You're sick." She scoffs, glaring at him. 

"Because I don't want to date my sisters?" He asks, frowning.

"Yes! Blood doesn't matter." She states. _'I most certainly think it does. Bitch. She might be useful though.'_

"...You want a job?"

"Maybe." Namie answers, flipping her phone shut to talk business. "But only if you pay  _very_  well."

* * *

 "U-um! Hi! I'm Mikado Ryuugamine." Mikado introduces himself. He's the only one still standing now that everyone has switched tables, and he went to the only vacant table available. His fellow contestant is turned away from him, the back of a very tall, plush chair blocking Mikado's view.

"Uh... Hello?" He tries again, getting nervous now.

"I've been expecting you, number 5." A man says, presumably the one in the chair, with a hint of an odd accent. He's not sure if it's British, Russian, or a speech impediment.

"My name is Mikado..." He says. The man in the large chair turns, petting a small cream colored cat with white on it's belly, face, and paws. There are cameramen and backstage workers around him, hiding his face by covering most of the lights around him, leaving just enough light to see the cat and the man's hand obsessively petting it.

"W-who are you?" 

"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Hanajima Yuuhei." He says. The cat meows. "They told me you were assassinated in Hong Kong." He pets the car harder.

"W-what!?" Mikado gasps. "W-who did? I don't understand-!" He's scared and excited now, and that name rings a bell.  _'I know him from somewhere...!'_

"You only live twice, Mr. Bond." Mikado gasps.  _'Is someone really trying to assassinate me?! How... exciting! I'm evolving for sure today!'_

"I-I'm Mikado-" He tries to tell him his name again, but gets cut off. 

"I know, but we're doing a James Bond bit. Play along." Yuuhei says, and Mikado deflates.  _'Well at least my life isn't n danger... darn.'_

"Oh...U-um, okay, but I never watched those movies...Um, what do you want... Sir?"

"Victory. My brother will win. As you see, I am about to inaugurate a little war-"

"Brother? Oh hey! Hey I know you, you're that famous actor! Oh, will you sign something for me!?" He pleads, excited again. Kasuka sighs.

Switch tables please.

* * *

His sisters are the next to arrive but he sends them away immediately. Izaya doesn't need a televised date with his sisters, he just doesn't. After a minute of whining at him, they finally bounce off to find the famous actor that is supposedly here. Unfortunately, they run into the blonde bartender who had tried coming over again and stop him to chat. Izaya sits alone for just a minute before a man with dreadlocks finally sits down. He gives Izaya a smile. 

"Hello. I'm Tom Tanaka. It's a pleasure to meet you." Tom says, nervous.  _'This is so weird...'_

"Ahh, Izaya Orihara." Izaya smiles.  _'Boring.'_  He thinks, fighting to keep a yawn away.

"Um, well..." Tom looks flustered, like he doesn't know what to say. He keeps glancing at the cameras, cheeks a little pink. It's cute, but he's just normal enough and just composed enough that Izaya wants to do something crazy just to liven things up. Tom reaches for a glass of water, which gives him an idea, actually... He waits until he's started taking a drink.

"You don't have to look so nervous." He smiles, tilts his head slyly at Tom. "I've already decided I want to at least take you to bed~" Izaya coos. As expecte, Tom chokes, coughing water and embarrassing himself just as planned. Tom stares back at Izaya with wide eyes.  _'Oh shit, did he just say what I thought he said...?'_

"Oh, goodness!" Izaya gasps getting up, grabbing his own napkin as an afterthought. "Oh my, you spilled water all over yourself. Let me help..." He purrs, wiping at the already flustered man's crotch. Tom practically squeaks, though Izaya does feel a twitch against the napkin....A big twitch. A loooong, thick twitch.  _'Ah, might be more interesting than I first though , ne~?'_

"I-I didn't spill any there though, Orihara-san!" Tom gasps, leaning away. Izaya frowns a little, not wanting his fun to end so soon. _'Tch.'_  He grabs the half empty glass of water, and sloshes some onto Tom's pants.

"I think you did. Let me help-" Tom stands up, face bright red.

"No! I, uh, bathroom! I've got to go to the bathroom!" And he rushes off, sprinting past a shorter man in a doctors coat who's chatting with his sisters.

That wasn't every nice.

"No one asked you."

* * *

Kasuka returns to his table, changed into a traditional tuxedo. He slicked his hair back, sits in a smaller but still big and plush chair like before. This time he's facing the table, Dokusonmaru again in his lap. He sits with a carefully placed frow, scratching his cheek very slightly and waiting. An older man in a white suit comes over, walking to his side, and leaning down to whisper, "I want them dead."

Kasuka doesn't smile, but inside he's pleased this one at least gets it. "That, I cannot do." He responds. 

"I'll give you anything you ask." The older man replies, hint of a smile playing on his stern face. He sits down across from Kasuka. 

"I've known you many years, but this is the first time you ever came to me asking for help." He drawls, making his voice breathy and accented as required. He pets Dokusonmaru, who's rolling onto his back for a belly rub. The man speaks up before Kasuka can deliver his next line. 

"I can't remember the last time you invited me to your house of a cup of coffee." Shiki says, trying not to smirk. Who knew he'd ever get to play The Godfather with Hanajima Yuuhei?

"Let's be frank here, you never wanted my friendship." Kasuka replies, amused but very good not to show it. 

"You never wanted to be in my debt." He slips a card to Kasuka.  _'Shiki of Awakusu, huh? How fitting...'_

"I didn't want to get in trouble." Kasuka says, slipping back into the other roll, letting Shiki have the reigns for a moment.

"I understand, You didn't need a friend like me." Shiki replies. There's a challenge in his eyes, and like that they're both trying to out Godfather each other. 

"But now you come and say, 'Yuuhei Hanejima, give me justice,' but you don't ask with respect." He strokes Dokusonmaru, scratching behind his ears. 

"You don't offer friendship, you don't even think to call me Godfather." Shiki says. 

"You come here on the day of my brothers date and you ask me to murder, for money." Kasuka delivers his line perfectly. Shiki leans forward and his stern expression changes to a more passive one. 

"How do you expect to win Orihara over?" He drawls, and it's clear he's changed the scene.

"I'm gonna make him... an offer he can't refuse." Kasuka says seriously. Shiki nods, stands. He does the same, and kisses the older man on the cheek. 

Switch table everyone!

* * *

"Yo." Kadota sits down at the table the bachelor is at, his previous partner having rushed out after he apparently wet himself. It's a good opportunity, though some bartender is giving him the death stare from where he's halfway to their table.

"Oh, hello~" Izaya smiles, resting a hand on his cheek and giving Kadota a friendly smile. "And who might you be?" He's cute, a little punkish looking, but he's got a kind face and strong build. 

"Kadota Kyouhei. You need to eliminate me." He says seriously. He's sick of this crap already, and while Orihara seems very nice, he is striaght.

 _'Eh?'_  Surprised, Izaya straightens up and looks properly at Kadota.  _'Just how many people are being held against their will?'_

"Are you trapped here too?" He asks, and Kadota gives him a concerned look. 

"No... Are you?" Kadota frowns, getting worried now. _'Could Erika have...? Nah, no way. No way...'_  

"Nope."

"Uhm, okay... well anyway, send me home. I don't like guys, sorry." He says, and Izaya grins. _'Interesting, a closet case!'_

"Is that so? I think I'll keep you around though, Dotachin!" He coos. Kadota jumps, going pale like he's seen a ghost.

"Oh god... You know HER, don't you?" Kadota gasps, the nickname confirming his worst fears. 

"Excuse me?" Izaya asks. _'Geez,is everyone here crazier than me?'_

"You're working with her! Erika has brainwashed you too!"

"No, I don't know any Erika-"

"MY LIFE ISN'T A BL! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME BE GAY!"

U-um, switch tables everyone! 

* * *

"What is meaning of this?" Vorona asks,frowning. Her companion is an admittedly attractive woman, texting someone on a red cellphone. She glances up at Vorona's question. 

"Meaning of what?" Namie asks, though she really doesn't care.  _'I wish I could skip this bullshit and just go to my room already. Aah, I miss Seji.'_

"We are here to assassinate- I mean, date bachelor, yes? Why must we meet other contestants?" Vorona asks.  _'Are we to eliminate rivals?'_  She has a small gun in her pocket, but killing the beautiful woman before her seems like a shame. 

"Oh, I don't know. I guess for maximum drama? Girls on this show often hate others and talk badly about other contestants. Or something, It's a thing, I guess." Namie really doesn't know, she's never watched this show before. 

"Oh. Well in that case, you are bitch with fat ass." Vorona says this very seriously, so seriously that Namie can't help but laugh. "What is funny? Am insulting you."

"Aah, sorry." The blonde looks more confused at her apology, so Namie decides to clear things up. "Don't worry, I'm just here for someone else, I'm not an opponent. Good luck, blondie." The Russian blinks, then nods her head. Namie smiles a little, hoping they both stick around for a bit. She thinks she's like to get to know this woman. 

"Thank you very much, brunett-ie." Though she's still confused, Vorona is pleased with how things have turned out. This woman is no threat, and it's probably a plus that Vorona wasn't exactly lying about her bigger than average bottom either. It's very nice, really, and in Japan she can stare as much as she likes, provided the woman sees no problem with this.

* * *

 There's a loud growl from the otherside of the room, some bartender frowning at Shinra like he's done something horrible. Shinra doesn't really care, as he finally gets to talk to his bachelor. _'I bet he's sweet!'_  He thinks, giddy.  _'Probably shy too! Oh I bet he'll get flustered when I tell him how nice that suit looks! This is it, destiny with my angelic, wonderful, beloved-'_

"Are you just going to stand there?" Izaya asks bluntly. He's in a bad mood since his last date flipped out, screaming about not being gay. He'd rushed over to Celty and lifted her helmet, presumably to kiss her and prove how hetro he was, but ended up passing out when she didn't have a head. If Izaya cared, he would have felt bad for the woman.

 _'Ah... Okay, so he's cold. I can work with that! The cold types like idiots, right? I'm an idiot!'_ Shinra thinks, trying to stay pumped up. He stares at Izaya, working to figure him out. 

"Excuse me?" Izaya asks after a moment, when the doctor doesn't move at all. "Hello?" He calls again, but the man in a doctors coat makes no move to respond. He's just staring hard at Izaya, eyes unfocused and smiling. 

Sir, are you okay?

'Ahh _but what would an idiot say? Blurt something random? Do something silly? Tell a bad joke?!'_ Hes starting to panic now.

"Should we call someone...?" Izaya stands up, waves a hand in front of the contestants face a few times. No response. 

I'm not sure...

_'Think! In anime, around the cold types they accidentally piss them off by talking about a body flaw right?'_

"Can you hear me? Do you know where you a-"

"Your breasts are very small!" Shinra yells, startling Izaya. "I like my men with... Big... Breasts..."  _'Oh shit... Men dont normally have breasts! Aah_ _, and I'm a doctor too! I'm too much of an idiot!'_ To Izaya's credit, he stays pretty cool but up close Shinra can see the way his hand and face flinches and he jerks back a little. He can practically see Izaya's mood sour. 

"I don't," Izaya is starting to miss the normal man he'd chased off earlier, as this one clearly has issues. "I don't have breasts."  _'Hell, I think they all have issues.'_

"I love you anyway!" Shinra says, trying to fix the situation. He flings his arms around Izaya in a hug, who jumps and tries to pry him off right away. Some backstage workers come and pull him off when he won't let go.

"I'll be waiting for you!" He yells, as he's dragged away. Orihara just stares at him like he has two heads. Shinra almost feels like he does.  _'Aah, but his skin was so soft!'_

* * *

Shizuo is standing by the bathrooms, looking around. Kasuka had told him to wait here, that he had to go make a wardrobe change and he'd be back soon. He's about to give up and go see if Orihara's table is free when someone in an odd black helmet stops him. He thinks it's Celty at first, but when he looks closer he sees the helmet is a cross between a skull and a gasmask. Their breathing is a deep, raspy noise that sounds similar to the sound made by scuba equipment. 

" **It is useless. Do not resist.** " He says, point a giant red.... glowstick at Shizuo? 

"Excuse me?" He asks, annoyed.

" **Meow.** " A cat jumps out at him then, biting his hand. Shizuo jerks it back quickly, and holds it to his chest in surprise. The cat looks a lot like Dokusonmaru, but with the same black helmet on as the stranger.

" **There is no escape.** " He holds his glowstick out, and wow that sounds perverted even in SHizuo's head. _'I wonder if he's compensating for something.'_

" **You don't even know your true power. Obi Wan never told you what happened to your brother.** _"_

"I just saw Kasuka, he said he needed to go make a costume change. Why, did you do something to him, bastard!?" Shizuo growls, ready to beat up this weirdo mask man. 

" **No. I am your brother!** "

"Oh, hey Kasuka." 

" **Hello, brother. Go now, Orihara is free.** " He points, and sure enough Orihara's still sitting alone, chatting with the host who's standing nearby.

 _'Fucking finally!'_  Shizuo thinks, calling a quick thanks to Kasuka. He's the last one to meet the Bachelor, Izaya, and it fucking pisses him off! Kasuka said he should have been the first to greet him, leave a good impression, but even he had beaten Shizuo to it! Orihara isn't looking his way, still looks a little shaken from when that weirdo had yelled about breasts and then grabbed him. Good impression or no, he's pretty sure he can't make a worse impression than the doctor and therefore will be safe for tonight. 

He's near the table when some blonde girl spills her tea, and it looks an awful lot like she'd done it on purpose. He slips, crashing into the table and further startling Izaya. Drinks go flying, hot coffee and someone's water drenching him. The mug and glass both shatter, mug against his head whereit was sent flying, and the glass somewhere behind him. What's worse is he completely splinters the table when he tries to pick it up, destroying it in his grip. 

Everyone is looking, he can feel their stares burning hotter than the coffee and he is seriously ready to quit now and try to forget he ever thought going on national television would be a good fucking idea-

"Pfft...Aha, ahahaha!  _Seriously?"_ Izaya gasps, cackling at the bartender before him. He's soaked in coffee and water, head snapping up to stare wide-eyed at him. It makes him laugh harder, at how comical he looks. 

"You've been trying to come over all night," He tries to contain is giggles. " A-and the first thing you do is slip and fall? And then break the table? Too good!" 

"Hey, fuck you! Someone tripped me!" Izaya chuckles, bending down in front of him. Gingerly, he plucks a shard of ceramic out of his hair. 

"Suuuure they did~" He coos. He pulls the rose out from his pocket, then, replacing it with the ceramic shard and holding it out to Shizuo. 

"...what?" He's nervous, because this fucker isn't seriously offering him a rose right now.  _'Right?'_

"Don't you're here but don't even know how the game works? It's a rose, given to the winners of each round and I'm giving you your rose now so you don't have to stand around wet for another half hour." Izaya smirks at the blonde's complicated expression. "Take it and go get cleaned up." After a moment Shizuo does, standing up quickly and clutching the rose like he will take it back.

"Fuck you for laughing but... thanks. Bastard." Shizuo goes off, following some staff to his room. His face is hot and he feels like an idiot, but he got his rose first out of everyone else! 

....I guess that's allowed. Sigh. Okay everyone, please move to the next room where our Bachelor will hand out the  _rest_  of his roses!

* * *

 A tray of roses is held out beside Izaya. Everyone looks nervous, for one reason or another, and it's honestly rather delightful. The blonde is gone, presumably in his room cleaning the coffee off himself, so there are only 10 roses on the tray. He picks one up slowly, smirking at how most of them go tense. Kadota watches as Izaya smirks right at him, eyes glinting. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the first rose!

"Here you are, Mr. Still-In-The-Closet!" He coos.  _'Ah, fuck.'_

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose. 

"For you, Headless Horsewoman." He smirks, handing Celty her rose. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Shiki-san. You're scary, and old, but I like you so here you are~" He hands Shiki his rose, who doesn't look pleased at all. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Hmm... Then I piiiick... The actor. Here you go Yuuhei!" Kasuka nods and accepts his rose.  _'Good, I can help Nii-san more.'_

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Namie-chan~ Here you are!" She smirks, hoping her brother is watching and takes her rose.

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose."

Mikado-chan." Izaya doesn't offer him further explanation for his vote, just smiles slyly when Mikado takes it. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Tom-san~ I still wanna get you into bed." He laughs when Tom takes the rose, cheeks red but grinning. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Vorona." He hands it passively, and she takes it with a nod. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Doctor guy... You're weird but interesting. So. Here." Shinra beams as he grabs his rose, crying his thanks. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the final rose.

There are two contestants standing without roses now, Simon and Mairu/Kururi. They look confident, grinning at each other while simon is simply holding up a sign advertising half off of infant wasabi sushi rolls. 

Izaya holds the rose out to simon. 

"Whatl?" Mairu shrieks, eyes wide. 

"Iza-Nii, no..." Kururi mumbles, tears welling up in her big brown eyes. 

Well that's all the time we have, thank you for watching and be sure to tune in next week! H-hey young lady! Don't touch those cords! No! Don't attack Jimmy the cameraman! ACK, SHE'S BITING ME! HELP ME HEEEELP-

**We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. We apologize and are working to fix the problem. Thank you for your continued support, and be sure to cast your votes for next week.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I... Did I just Shizaya that?? I-I... I'm sorry... I'll work on being more unbiased I swear!! And once we get further in and there's less contestants EVERYONE will start getting x Izaya scenes. I'm sorry.. don't be too mad, non-Shizaya shippers?? Mommy still loves you!
> 
> Anyway, the twins are gone! The remaining contestants are as follows: Celty, Kadota, Kasuka, Mikado, Namie, Simon, Shizuo, Shiki, Shinra, Tom, and Vorona.
> 
> Ugh fuck I realize everyone is crazy. I can't make the serious or normal this early. I also know I made a shit ton of mistakes but will go back and fix some tomorrow. I literally wrote all day. 
> 
> Good luck, may the odds be ever in your OTPs favor.
> 
> OH ALSO, here are the scenes for Kasuka's movie references!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ay2sO6tWbE - Kasuka and Mikado James Bond Scene  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i96VS_z8y7g and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmX2VzsB25s - The Godfather scenes with Shiki  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgDPi5WvC8M - I am your brother scene with Shizuo
> 
> ALSO if you wanted to know what Simon said I'm really tired to just use google translate. If you can't let me know and I'll translate for you.


	3. Presents For The Pest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aahhh I'm sorry it was rushed. I wrote it in a day and spent ALL DAY ON IT. And ugh It's late and family is dragging me to their church in the morning. Sigh. XD 
> 
> Love you guys! I'm back baby, laptop is kinda fixed and working well enough for this. So yay!
> 
> Oh yeah it was a tie between Simon and Mikado so I had my angel break it. :)

Welcome back! We apologize for the break, after a rather... _unfortunate accident_ , much of our equipment got destroyed. But the TV networks have paid for everything and given our budget a boost, in case it happens again. Apparently this show is really popular...somehow.   **  
**

With that in mind, we have a special challenge in mind for our contestants today! You will all be buying a gift, with money we provide of course, for the bachelor in order to impress him! Do a good job, or you might be voted off! ****  
****

**Sponsored by: White Men Running TV.** Yes, we have  **White Men Running TV**  to thank for all the comedies, dramas, and sitcoms featuring things like- Other white men. Women, but as sex objects and not people. Heterosexuals, and heterosexuals only. Cisgenders, and cisgenders only. More White men. Sci-fi fantasy shit! A  _few_ black/Mexican/Asian etc people, JUST so you don't look racist. Blatant racism anyway. And white men, AGAIN. We thank you sincerely,  **White Men Running TV.**    ~~(this is sarcasm)~~

And now onto the show! Contestants, you've each been given $100 and a private limo to take you around the city. You're each to go and pick a gift for the bachelor that you think he'll enjoy! If he doesn't, you could be the one to leave tonight!

Good luck everyone! For the viewers at home, we will be briefly taking a look at everyone shopping before later seeing everyone presenting their gifts! We won't be showing what they are until it's presentation time so feel free to make guesses as to what they could be while you watch!

* * *

Hello, Celty! Care to share what you've just bought there? ****  
****

[N-no! It's a surprise! Go away!] ****  
****

Oooh folks, it LOOKS like... pepper spray? Oh Miss Sturluson, are you trying to escape again...? ****  
****

[N-NO] ****  
****

My, my. Looks like we'll need some extra staff to assist you today.... ****  
****

[Noooooo]

* * *

Kadota-kun! Care to give us a hint on what you might be buying for Orihara-kun today?

"Something straight."

I"m sorry?

"Something straight. In the straightest line ever, NO CURVES."

...um...okay...

* * *

Hanejima Yuuhei-san, what an...interesting store you're in.

"Mhm."

This is, uh, a little... forward, don't you think?

"Not at all."

Well, okay then...

* * *

Yagiri-san, this isn't exactly the kind of place for gifts... Ohh, unless you're preparing a meal?

"I'm not."

Oh...well... it's your call...

"That it is."

Good luck

* * *

M-Mr. Brezhnev....no...

"THIS IS PERFECT GIFT FOR ANYONE!"

Oh dear god no. 

"I WILL MAKE THIS TNTO PERFECT SHAPE FOR LOVE MAN."

stOP

* * *

Why

"Oh c'mon, this is great!"

I...I just... why

"He'll love it!"

This is illegal, Kishitani-san.

"Mind your own business or I'll take yours too."

* * *

"Damn! OW!"

Heiwajima-san! Why aren't you at the store? Is that a glue gun?

"YES it's a fucking glue gun! I already went to the store-ARUGH! Shut up, you're ruining my concentration!"

I-I'm sorry Heiwajima-san!

"GET OUT."

Eeek!

* * *

Shiki-sama.... I think the items in here are well over $100...

"I know that."

Oh?

"I have my own money, motherfucker."

I see...

* * *

Oh Tom-san, hello! What a cute little store, and I see you've picked out your gift!

"Yes. I think he will really enjoy this!"

I bet you're right, Tom-san! Good luck!

"Thank you."

* * *

...Miss vorona...what a...scary- I mean, sweet gift.

"Is a fair gift."

Fair?

"He should have chance."

...

"To live."

* * *

Awwww Ryuugamine-kun! What a gift you have there!

"W-well it works in the movies...hehe!"

I'd say you're right! 

* * *

Izaya was excited. Exceedingly so. Humans, presenting him with gifts as their God! All of them were competing for his affections too! Silly humans, aah how he loved them. Everyone was going to come in one by one to give him a gift and he couldn't be more thrilled. 

First up, Celty Sturluson! Please present you gift!

She walkes up to him, holding a cute little gift bag out. He gave her a rather warm smile, fake of course but she doesn't know that, and took the gift. He reaches in past the tissue paper and pulling his present out.

It's...a little globe. With children holding hands all across the middle and smiling. It's adorable, with the kids in different outfits such as a Japanese school girl, an African boy, an American boy in a cowboy outfit, a Swedish girl in braids and dress, etc. It's sweet, very thoughtful, and he decides she can stay. 

"Thank you very much, Celty-chan!"

* * *

Next up, Kadota Kyouhei!

"Here. I hope it's the right size." Kadota says, tossing a buddle of fabric Izaya's way. Catching it and holding it up reveals it's a tee shirt, maybe a little big for him. What it says, however, is incredibly amusing

The shirt reads in big black bold lettering:  **No Homo, Bro.**

"Aha, Dotachin! How funny, thank you!" He coos, holding it to his chest. Kadota is tense, eye's suddenly going wide when he looks in Izaya's direction. He quickly becomes panicked. 

"U-um! Sorry, wrong gift!" Kadota gasps, trying to grab the shit back. Izaya holds it out of reach.

"What? No way, I like it. No takies backies!" He laughs, examining the T-shirt closer. Kadota makes a strangled noise when he turns it to the back to check the size. 

Apparently the back has words too, that Kadota didn't notice before, reading:  **Well, Maybe Just A Little.**

"Dotachin, you really DO love me!"

"NO!"

* * *

Next up, Hanejima Yuuh-

"My name... Is Officer Boner." Kasuka interrupts, strutting into the room. He's in a police uniform-well.... part of one. He has the hat, the boots, a very small and open blue jacket and...well.... a big police badge. It's covering up his crotch, but just barely. Kasuka struts up to him, dangling handcuffs and swinging his hips. 

"My gift... is the law. You've been bad, Orihara-san. I need to make you-" He cuts off to thrust into the air a few times, badge and other parts jiggling with the movement.

"Abide by the law using my-" He pauses again, this time to turn around and twerk. His expressionless face somehow doesn't make this less appealing, as he has no pants on and the badge only covers the front. He turns back around to place a foot on the chair where Izaya is currently sitting in stunned silence. 

"ERECTION OF JUSTICE!"

...

"Why don't we take a commercial break. A long one."

...okay.

* * *

 I...can't believe...anyway, we're back! Next up, Yagiri Namie! 

She walks in and plops down a giant wrapped...something in front of him. It's wet, smelly, and fucking huge. Honestly he's got an idea of what it is and really doesn't want to open it.

"Hurry up, I have another gift to deliver."

"Oh? Let me guess, something dirty and incestual for your brother?" He taunts, avoiding the gift. 

 "No. If you must know, I happened to find an overlooked pearl among some oysters while I was down looking for the biggest dead fish I could find. I'm giving it to Vorona-san."

"Why?" 

"Shut up."

* * *

Next up-oh god

"I bring you... heart sushi!" Simon announces when he barrels into the room, pushing Namie's fish away. After looking at and recognizing the wrapped sea creature, he casually picks it up and tries to hide it in his shirt. Izaya lets him. Simon then places the giant tray he's been holding with one hand in front of Izaya. 

Indeed it  _is_ sushi in the shape of a heart. A human heart, with salmon and red and purple dyed rice making up the arteries and everything. Simon apparently even used some tempura sauce on the heart to make it look fresh and bloody. It's very artfully crafted, obviously took awhile to put together and is extremely accurate.

Izaya is starting to think simon is a Psycopath. The signs are there, for sure and even though the gesture is...kind of sweet....  _'He'll have to go...'_

"Um...Thank you very much, Simon...."

"Very welcome! Please, eat!" 

"Maybe later..."

* * *

Next, Kishitani Shinra.

Oh no. The crazy guy who likes guys with boobs. Izaya was sort of dreading this one. 

"Here ya go!" Shinra chirps, dumping a bunch of cellphones on the table in front of Izaya. "I stole them, just for you!"

"...really?" He asks. "That's... that's actually good."

No it isn't! One of those is mine, give it back!

"Never!" Izaya laughs, turning to grin at Shinra. Maybe there's something to the creepy doctor afterall...

"I also got condoms and lube, if you wanna thank me in a special way~~ Kiss kiss!"

_'Maybe not...'_

* * *

Next up,  Heiwajima Shizuo!

"Here." Shizuo places a familiar plant in front of Izaya, dirt spilling everywhere. He tries to leave as soon as it hits the table. Izaya stops him, annoyed. 

"Shizu-chan, this is one of the plants from the set."

"...No it's not."

"It says so on the side." Indeed it does, in big gold lettering stating: _Property Of RealityTV.Co_  He turns it so Shizuo can see.

"..." He quiet, looking pissed and ready to leave. Izaya sighs, disappointed. He figured this idiot would be type to actually try. 

"Well I guess Shizu-chan is just the kind of man who doesn't care or takes this seriously." He sighs, rolling his eyes. 

Uh, okay well next up is-

"Hang on!" Shizuo interrupts, scowling. He sighs heavily and dogs around in his pocket for something. He slams it down on the table and looks away, embarrassed.

"You're giving me garbage...?" He asks incredulously, staring at the crumpled thing in front of him.

"No! Asshole, it's a rose. That I....made. With like tissue paper and stuff..." Izaya looks up surprised. Shizuo goes on. "It- Well it didn't turn out right and I ESN out of time so I grabbed the plant...well I know we were supposed to buy a gift but my mom always said homemade gifts are the ones that mean the most and you gave me the first rose so..."

"Heh, how stupid!" He laughs, picking the faux rose up carefully and straightening it out. "Everyone who stays gets a rose, you just happened to get yours early." He sets it on his lap so it won't get crushed by anything else that's brought in.

"You still picked me to stay." Shizuo points out. 

"Why don't we move on, we don't have all night."

* * *

 You're up next, Shiki-sama

Izaya raises an eyebrow at the "sama" part, but doesn't say anything. Shiki walks in like he owns the place, bodyguards flanking of to either side of the door. He's in his usual white suit, and holding a beautifully wrapped box. He places it in front of Izaya, as well as the $100 he was originally given.

"I have my own money."  He states, walking out of the room smoothly, his body guards following dutifully. When izaya opens the box, he finds a perfect fitting silver watch with his name engraved on the side and a nice little rubies on either side of the print. It's gorgeous. 

Too bad he already has one just like it in gold. He has his own money too, bitch. 

* * *

Next up, Tanaka Tom "Hello, Orihara-kun!" Tom greets, fidgeting with a book and a heart shaped box. He brushes away some of the leftover dirt on the table and she's the book down. He also hands him a box of dark chocolate, smiling nervously. 

"It's Utopia, by Thomas More. Hard cover and this has both translated version and original Latin script...well, why am I telling you? You can see what it is." He laughs, hopeful. 

"Oh Tanaka-san, this is amazing!" He is genuinely touched, smiling wide. "How did you know I liked this kind of thing, I don't remember telling you."

"Well I did some research. You have a surprising amount of fans online, mostly young teen girls? They say you like humanity and dark chocolate so..." He grins, and Izaya grins back.

* * *

Next, Miss Vorona!

"Here." Vorona sets down a knife in front of him when she comes in. "I have decided you should have chance to defend yourself." She's fiddling with the pearl Namie had earlier, no emotion showing. "If...something happen."

"Why thank you, but I already have a knife. Many, actually." That's his way of saying he can stab a bitch many times, without saying it. 

"This one is poison laced." 

"What poison?"

"Cyanide."

"Ooh, niiice."

* * *

And lastly, Mikado Ryuugamine! 

He comes in holding a rather large box, and smiling rather nervously. He's holding the box very carefully, and sets it gently on the table. Izaya hears something shifting inside.

"H-hello again, Orihara-kun! I-I hope you enjoy this!" He's smiling so hopefully and so nervously that Izaya decides to humor him. Even if the gift is terrible he'll be nice about it, for once. The kid is sweet,afterall. 

"Thank you Mikado-kun~ I'll just open this up and-"

 _"Woof woof!"_ Oh shit, it's a fucking puppy. There's an eager mutt in the box licking it's chops and just waiting to sink it's teeth into his flesh.

"GET THE HELL BEAST AWAY FROM ME!" He screeches, shoving his chair back and away from the hellhound. 

"O-orihara-kun! I'm sorry, do you not like dogs?" 

"LIKE BLOOD THIRSTY DEMONS? YEAH SURE I LOVE THEM."

"Oh really? C-cause it kind of seems like you don't like her-"

"I WAS BEING SARCASTIC! Get that evil little ball of canine out!"

But-"

"OUT!" He snaps, pressed against the wall. Mikado quickly gathers up the puppy and rushes out of the room.

* * *

 

Welcome to the rose ceremony! Are you all ready to find out who will go home tonight? Yeah? Me too! Cause then we're closerto this horrible, horrible show being over and I can hang myself with no guilt. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the first rose!

"For you, Miss Sturluson." He smirks, handing Celty her rose. 

Izaya Orihara please hand our the next rose!

"Of course I can't forget Dotachin!" Kadota sighs, taking his rose with his head bowed in shame.

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Shiki-san, of course." He hands Shiki his rose, making sure to show off his  _gold_ watch.

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"One for you, Officer Boner." Kasuka winks and accepts his rose. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Namie-chan. You are awful, just awful. Here's your damn rose." She rolls her eyes but takes the rose.

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Tom-san~ I still wanna get you into bed." He laughs when Tom takes the rose, cheeks red but grinning. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Vorona." He hands it passively, and she takes it with a nod. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"I guess you get one, Kishitani." Shinra beams as he grabs his rose, once again crying his thanks. 

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the next rose.

"Shizu-chan." He doesn't look at him as he hands him the rose, annoyed.

Izaya Orihara, please hand out the final rose.

There are two contestants standing without roses now, Simon and Mikado. It's obvious who's getting it before Izaya's even started waking towards Simon.

Awww, sad to see you to Mikado-kun! At least you have your new puppy to keep you company. What's her name?

"Rin..."

Fantastic. Okay, good night everybody! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be sure to vote :) voting ends next Thursday and I'd love to hear everyone's guesses for what the gifts would before they were revealed! 
> 
> <3


	4. A Talent NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gooood I am just.. I am just not proud of this. Like, at all. Wow. Um so there it is, a good idea put into the wrong persons hands

Weeeeeeeelcome back to, The Bachelor! Today we’ve just got a real treat for you folks! Follow me in just a minute to the stage room and we’ll find out what we’re doing today! But first, of course, sponsors!

 **Sponsored by-** **Generic Pop Music**. You in the mood for a beat exactly the same as it is in 46 other songs? At least? Shameless product placement? Illuminati? Men bragging about bitches and woman acting like bitches? Zero self respect? Well then we have just what you need with **Generic Pop Music!** With great artists like, _Katy Pitchy! Kanye Yest Infection! Kesh@! Ariana Trenta! And Madam GooGoo!_ Thanks for the messages you’re sending to our kids, **Generic Pop Music!**

And now, onto the Stage Room. Today, we’re having…. A TALENT SHOW! If you’re wondering why I’m so cheerful, it’s because I’ve started taking… ANTIDEPRESSANTS!! Yay!

Now Contestants were told ahead of time, last week in secret, about this to have time to prepare. Any expenses on items needed for their act have been provided of course.

And it seems like we have THREE Judges today! Let’s here from them now!

“Well I’m not performing for anyone.” Shiki speaks up first, crossing his arms with a scowl. “Who do I look like to you? A clown?”

Well, that’s-

“I swear to whoever the hell is writing this garbage this if you say yes, then I’m going to hunt you down and make YOU look like a clown.

Yes Sir. S-someone else wanna speak?

“They wouldn’t let me perform.” Izaya pouts, leaning back in his chair.

But you’re the reason everyone is competing!

“And I can’t compete for myself? So far I’m liking me a lot better than anyone else on this show.”

“If that’s the case, everyone here must be just terrible.” Simon Cowell speaks up. “You’re about as charming as a dead lizard.” Izaya laughs at that, giving Simon a cheeky grin.

“How mean, Mr. Cowbell!”

“It’s COWELL! Get it right, you sad emo wannabe.”

That’s right folks, Simon Cowell! For those of you who like shows such as The X-factor, Britan’s Got Talent, America’s Got talent, and more! Google him if you don’t know who he is.

Alright everyone, let’s see our first act!

**[Hello! I’m Celty, and I’ll be doing a magic trick today!]**

“I’m sorry love, but first off. What the f*ck is with the outfit? What are you supposed to be, the lovechild of a biker and a tentacle monster?” Simon speaks up, already annoyed. Shiki snorts beside him. “Why do you have black tentacles coming out of that ridiculous helmet?” Celty fidgets onstage.

**[I don’t have a head…]**

“You don’t...okay, nice little hook to your audience I guess. Original.”

**[No really, I don’t!]**

“Yeah yeah, let’s see the act.

She nods, moving over to a giant, clear box. She spins it around, feels inside of it to prove there’s nothing hidden, and steps inside. Shinra comes out to spin the box around three times to show her inside and visible from every angle. He then locks the box and steps far off to the side, well away from the box.

Ohhh folks, it looks like it might be some kind of escaping tric- oh shit.

Suddenly the lights go off, staying that way to the narrator's startled yelp for three seconds before the lights com back on. Celty is gone, and Shinra in the exact same place as before. He moves to unlock the box, feeling inside and the rotating it several times. He then waves and walks off stage.

Okay… well, judges please give us your score while we send some staff out to look for her… She can earn up to a score of 10 from each judge. Winner of this round gets a very special prize!

 

“7!” - Shiki

 

“5!” -Simon.

 

“8!” - Izaya

A score of 20 for Celty!

* * *

 

 Up next, Kadota Kyouhei!

 “Sup bitches!?” Kadota exclaims, walking onstage. He’s dressed normally, except he has a big gold chain with the letter D capitalized on it. “Lil Dota in the hiz house!”

 “Oh for f*cks sake…” Mumbles Cowell.

“Nice chain.” Shiki comments, subtly slipping off and pocketing his own one that has a giant S on it.

What will you be doing for us, Kadota?

“Yo, it’s Lil Dota! Imma be rapping! My own song, of course!”

Alrighty! Go ahead and wow us, Lil Dota!

“Yo, my name is Lil Dota, I’m eating lots of cheese and soda. And my life is right on track, got insurance with that Toda” (japanese maintenance company for racing vehicles) He jumps around on stage,bobbing his head a rhythmic beat.

“Watched a movie ‘bout a brother bear, the little one’s named Koda. Just like me! Except you add a T and A and -Chin on the end. Cause my name is dotachin and I’m just here to WIN- How you been? Feeling ill again? Here’s some finagrin. That’s right I’m back again, you asking where I’ve been?” He speeds up here.

“In the club with the ladies, cause I’m straight no doubt about it. Grabbing a tit, rhyming with wit, so shocked you have to sit, check my fitbit! time to go, I got a talent show, impress a dude I don’t know, he kinda cute tho….” He trails off, looking embarassed suddenly. Izaya grins wide and blows a kiss to multiple eyerolls.

“But that don’t make me gay, no way! I’m straight, with ladies I love to play! All day! I don’t secretly think about men at night, to the right, in a straight line all the time!” He’s not very convincing.

 “Rhymes! Rhyming with pride! Not like a parade tho! Not with rainbows tho! Not for a dude yo! That’s a no no! I mean… it’s cool to be gay, but I’m not. Peace! Lil dota out!” He drops the mic, making everyone cringe at the loud sound.

Judges?

 

“I was going to take pity on you and offer a 1, but dropping the mic was such a douchebag move that I’m giving you a negative 1.”-Simon.

 

“10~” - Izaya

 

“0.” - Shiki.

 

That’s a total of 9 for Lil Dota!

* * *

Up next, Yuuhei Hanejima! And… Dokusonmaru? Performing a scene Romeo and Juliet...

The room descends to darkness for a few moments. When it lights up again, Kasuka is standing in your Typical Romeo outfit. Behind him is a balcony, where Dokusonmaru sits. The cat is in a Juliet style dress. 

“That birds would sing and think it were not night. See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!”

“Meow.”

“She speaks: O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art As glorious to this night, being o'er my head As is a winged messenger of heaven Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds And sails upon the bosom of the air.

“Meow.”

“Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?”

“...Meow.”

“I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will-”

“I’m sorry, but-” Cowell interrupts. “Are you serious? Is this for real? Get off my stage, you’ll never be famous!”  
  
He’s actually already a famous actor.

“Japanese stars don’t count. Shitty _boy bands_ are famous here. A blue haired, pigtailed video game girl is famous here! An EGG is famous here! Get off the stage. 0.” - Simon.

 

“0.” - Izaya.

 

“5.” - Shiki.

 

A total of 5 for Yuuhei Hanejima! Up next, Namie Yagiri! Doing...Stand up comedy!

“Hi, how’re you doing?” She asks, and the judges murmur a quiet “Good,” together.  

 "So, tonight I’d like to talk about The Bachelor, Izaya. Did you know he likes to skip?” Shiki and Simon Cowell both shake their heads, giving Izaya a look.

“He does. Skips everywhere, in public even. And I think it’s a great idea. He’s clearly advertising what he’s all about. He’s carefree, fast, and very... willing to be struck down by vending machines.”

“And if that wasn’t a great indicator to the things he enjoys, his coat is. Clothes speak for you. My shoes say I’m a fun lady. Simons V-neck says he’s an asshole. Izaya’s coat says he likes to be publicly attacked by bartenders. Likes being chased around by a big, strong man.” She shrugs.

“Another item he has is his knife, always carries it and plays with it. His favorite is about 10 inches long, thick, and very dangerous. He’s always holding it and admiring it, and it’s just a monster of a knife. Guess he has a thing for big, thick, possibly dangerous… knives. Or he’s just compensating for something.” Another shrug.

“He’s fast too, very fast. Like a vampire. Or a fairy.” Shiki snorts at this.

“He’s so fast he’s able to easily outrun his enemy, and this guy is a real fighter. Very intimidating, with his tight little bartender suit and his glasses that just scream “I’m really   _gggggggaaa_ -reat at fighting.” “

“Of course he never catches Izaya, with how fast the guy is skipping. He calls Izaya a lot of cute little nicknames, too. Flea. Louse. Twink.” She chuckles a little here.

“Well they can pretend to hate each other but that’s an act. If you look hard enough you’ll find them in some alleyway, hanging out for about 15 minutes. Or sometimes they go to cute little dessert shops. Our bartender really loves fudge. Really good at packing it in.”

“Fabulous, right?” She asks, bowing a little. “Thanks!”

 

“10.” - Shiki

 

“10!” - Simon

 

“0!” - Izaya

 

Heh, I’d give her a 10 too, if I could. A total score of 20 for Namie!

* * *

Up next, Simon Breznhev! Yay…

Simon walks on stage as a light, fluffy piano melody starts to play. He’s in a gorgeous pink ball gown, makeup on fleek, and heels doing great things for his legs. He stops in front of the judges, and waits patiently for...something. Izaya pulls his hood up and hides in his coat quietly.

“While that dress is just…. Lovely, why don’t you tell us what you’ll be doing in it?” Cowell asks, sighing harshly.

“Doing?” Simon asks, tilting his head. “Do what?”

“Anything! This is a talent show, YOU’RE supposed to show off a talent! And rocking those heels is not one.” Simon, the one on stage, looks even more surprised at this.

“Is Talent show? I thought was pretty contest!” He exclaims.

“Simon…” Izaya starts, peeking out from under his hood. “Do you mean to say you thought this was a Beauty Pageant?”

“Yes!” The judges all look around, wondering what to do before Shiki finally shrugs.

 

“Fair enough. 10.” - Shiki

 

“10.” Simon.

 

“10, I suppose…” - Izaya.

 

Well congratulations Simon Breznhev! Our first and possibly only perfect score of 30 for the night! Here, please accept these gifts!

Staff scurry to the stage to place a tiara on Simon’s head and a beautiful bouquet of flowers in his hands. He looks like he might cry, and leans towards the microphone to make a speech.

“Thank you! Is great honor! I would like to thank mother, father, goat, and bachelor!”

* * *

 

Up next, Shizuo Heiwajima! Doing… it doesn’t say?

“Yeah. I don’t have any talent.” Shizuo states. “I’m just good at fighting, and I hate violence so I’m not doing that. Sorry.”

“This is becoming a pattern isn’t it, Shizu-chan?” Izaya sighs. Simon Cowell glances at them curiously.

“Well, whatever.” Cowell says. “If you’re not going to do anything then get the bloody hell off my stage.” Shizuo sighs, in for possibly the lowest score of the night, until suddenly Celty appears in the background, running from guards. She chucks a few items at him, namely a bottle of water, a bowling ball, and an Anvil.

Shizuo catches them, even the anvil, and starts juggling them with ease. Even he doesn’t seem to know how he’s doing it, staring at the circling objects with shock. She starts tossing other things in the mix. A chair follows first. Then, a small boulder. Then a pony. And finally, Simon Breznhev still in his dress.

“Amazing!” Simon Cowell gasps, wide eyed at the scene. Shizuo finally chucks things off to the side. When it’s simons turn, however, he simply holds the large russian man bridal style. You don’t throw someone that dressed up, you just don’t.

 

“10!” -Simon

 

“10!” - Shiki

 

“Hmmph! It wasn’t that impressive. 10.” - Izaya.

 

Amazing folks, two perfect scores in a row! A total of 30 for Shizuo Heiwajima! That’s really some talen- HEY! CATCH HER BEFORE SHE ESCAPES AGAIN!

* * *

 

 

Up next, Shinra Kishitani! And it seems he’ll be singing!

“That’s right!” Shinra chirps, stepping over some of the improved juggling props and to the microphone. “A song dedicated to the ever so lovely Celt-I MEAN Izaya Orihara!” He winks at Izaya.

“If Iiiiiiiiiiii shoooouuuld staaaaaay, I would oooooonly be in you waaay.” He starts, off key and terrible.

“Soooo I'll goooo but I knoooooow, I'll think of yooouuu every steeeeep of the waaaaay!”

And Iiiii... will always love you, ooh. Will always loooove yooouuuu. Youuuuu...My daaaarling, yoooou...MMMmm-mmmm~” Simon is cringing, and Izaya is back to hiding. Shiki, however, looks like he might cry.

“Bittersweet meeeemories –That is all I'm taking with meeeee. So good-byeeee. Please don't cry: We both know I'm not what yoooou, you neeeeeed” Oh god, here it comes..

“AND IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, WILL ALWAYS LOOOOO-OOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUU OOOOHHH OH OOOHH OHHHHHHH!!!”

“IIIIIIEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS… LOOoooooOOOOOOOOVEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!”

“Stop!” Izaya begs, “That’s enough! We’ve heard enough!”

“No!” Shiki gasps. “More! What is that beautiful melody?! It’s so… tragic and amazing!”

 

“It’s an american song, and he bloody fucking butchered it! 0!” - Simon Cowell

 

“10!” - Shiki

 

“2. For trying, at least.” - Izaya

 

Well, a score of 12 for Shinra!

* * *

Up next, Tom Tanaka! Doing a poetry reading!

“Yes. I call this...invisible.” He starts, and the lights dim dramatically.

“With all these crazy- characters, competing for the same things, I feel...overlooked. Unseen. Invisible!” He paces around the stage, nodding his head to an unheard beat. “It’s hard to fight when you can’t be seen and it’s hard to win when you feel so...invisible.”

“It’s like I’m not here, it’s like my efforts don’t matter, I’m not someone who could go all the way! I’m just… invis-”

 

“Boring!” Izaya shouts. “ 0. Next!” - Izaya

 

“3.” - Simon

 

“8.” - Shiki

 

Okay, a score of 11 for Tom!

 

“B-but I wasn’t done-”

 

MOVING ON TOM!

* * *

Next up is Vorona! Our final act! Doing a Ventriloquist act!

Vorona walks on stage, empty handed. She jumps down from the stage to the judges, grabbing Izaya and hauling him up rather easily. 

“Whoa! Vorona-chan? What might you be doing?” Izaya questions, a little uncomfortable at being held so easily by such a small girl.

“Ventriloquist act.”

“But, why do you want me on the stage?”

“Act requires dummy.” Walking back on stage now she sits on a chair, pulling Izaya into her lap.

“Uh, but you know the whole point is to make a dummy, a doll, talk without moving your lips.... You make it talk.”

“I know.” Is her reply. “You shove hand inside and move mouth.” She then proceeds to shove her hand down his pants, much to everyone's immediate horror.

W-WHY DON’T WE TAKE A BREAK!!

 

“10!” - Simon Cowell.

* * *

 

 

W-welcome back everyone…Well, it’s time for the rose ceremony… I suppose you all know who’s leaving-

“It’s Celty.” Izaya sighs, looking traumatized. “She escaped finally so she’s out. Grab your own roses, I’m going to bed.”

..Um...okay, well goodnight everyone!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be sure to vote! Voting ends FRIDAY THIS WEEK since I was late getting it up.


	5. Sorry no update here's some stupid shit #1

Heeeeeyyy soooooo

 

I thought long and hard (I'm lying) about what to do for this chapter. Someone suggested a Cook off with Gordon Ramsey and that's a great idea and I'll probably do that at some point but like...

 

Today I just wanna sit in my room and laugh at things on the internet. I also really wanted to update this cause it's like a weekly thing and I don't wanna disappoint anyone but I have no creativity right so

 

I'm just gonna post a bunch of links to funny Pinterest stuff (some of which will be Shizaya) and hope you guys know Kanra-chan still loves you and is aware how loyal and great everyone is. Thanks! (also there is part of a story below, but it isn't the bachelor)

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/576179346069039496/

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/576179346069039496/

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/465841155185902055/

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/384213411941091886/

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/AX-1hOXlQKmYzGtPblAgCFvAa3iWVStaXfaFBgKg9uwcfYQs1xBPC0I/

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/201325045824367110/

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/419608890257238737/ (Izaya meme) 

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/493425702904074427/ (shinras so cute <3 )

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/486740672211288987/ 

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/487303622152834244/ (another Izaya meme)

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/387098530452774136/ (Izaya again) 

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/532128512204898760/ (orihara fever over here) 

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/Aa4hS6Ieftqt7bXRjg_mg7ZXEllZsttm8sjuhEKvYPXxiuSTDEfUgTw/ (Izaya fanart)

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/370491506821755548/ (OMG SO CUTE)

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/303007881153037527/ (All the boys BUT WITH GLLASSES)

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/310326230552103616/ (shizaya comic)

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/310326230552103616/ (shizaya comic) 

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/549861435730660591/ (another Shizaya comic)

 

Soooo I feel bad you aren't getting a story so...I wrote this a long time ago and it's unfinished but I'll let you read so you'll have some shizaya. 

 

Shizuo was pissed. But what else was new, huh? Nothing, not a damn thing. Except the hand that was sent in the mail today. That was pretty new. There was a letter too, saying it was his brother's hand. Now it took Shizuo about 20 minutes to calm down after seeing that. His apartment was trashed. Nothing survived except the hand and the note, which he promptly took to the police.

It took them another 20 minutes to convince him it was a plastic hand with fake blood and that he should check the calendar and call his brother before destroying half the station. It was April fools. The note was signed ‘April fools, Shizu-chan~’ on the back as well.

So obviously, Shizuo was going to kill him. He was close, just a few blocks away when someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned fast, fully expecting Izaya and raising his fist in a punch. He saw dark hair and a pale face and launched himself forward with a growl. His fist barely missed, just barely grazing green fabric as Izaya moved away with a gasp.

Wait... green fabric? Shizuo paused, staring at the hole in the ground his fist had created. Someone was breathing hard behind him, and when he turned he saw a woman clutching her chest, eyes wide. ‘Oh fuck…’

“I knew...I knew you were violent.” The woman started, taking a deep breath to calm herself. “But I didn’t expect a reaction like that.” Shizuo didn’t say anything, too deep in guilt at having almost hit a woman that he couldn’t speak.

“I assume you’re on your way to meet Izaya? I’m Yagiri Namie. I was going to suggest we walk together since I’d absolutely love to see you beat the shit out of him.”

“I’m sorry. I thought you were the flea.”

“I figured. Shall we?” She asks, and turns without waiting for an answer. Shizuo follows, feeling guilty the entire time. He doesn’t ask why she’s not taken the bus. He didn’t take one either, after all.

When they’re inside the building, in the elevator, she gets her phone ready to take pictures. She explains to him that Izaya told her his little prank and she’s not even supposed to be coming in today, she just wanted to see how Shizuo would react.

Once they’re on Izaya’s private floor, rich fucker, they hear noises. Noises that sounds like maybe someone else is here to hurt the informant as well.

“Fucker-Shit! Be still, bitch!” It’s not Izaya’s voice. “Gonna break your fucking teeth if you bite me again, Oriha-FUCK!” There’s a loud smack of skin on skin contact, and a hard thump that Shizuo can feel in the floor.

Shizuo is torn for a moment between leaving Izaya to deal or opening it and...and what? He glances at Namie, who’s texting someone, and it doesn’t seem like she cares. He could just leave Izaya, let that be his revenge, but this guy sounds serious…

There’s a loud crash of glass shattering, startling them both. Namie jumps, head whipping up when neither Izaya nor the man cry in pain. It’s just quiet, like no one was there to begin with. It’s alarming, and Shizuo is opening the door before he consciously makes the decision.

Well, open meaning he broke the locked door handle and forced the door open  in the span of about three seconds.

Shizuo wasn’t really sure what he was seeing, though. There was Izaya, sitting on the floor with a bloody mouth, various little injuries, and no shirt. There was a man, conscious, but too focused on gripping his head where sparkling shards of bloody glass was embedded. The man also happened to have his belt buckle undone, was holding Izaya’s shirt in a balled up fist, and had two bite marks-one on his arm and another in the side of his hand.

There was a click as Shizuo was struggling to understand what the fuck was going on, a flash, and Namie was taking pictures of the scene, laughing. Laughing hard. It was kind of mean sounding, and Shizuo just frowned at her. Some small part of his brain, a part that understood but wouldn’t admit it, hated that someone could laugh at this.

“...Namie? Shizu-chan. What brings you two here?” Izaya asked, quietly. He seemed a little dazed, and the man beside him let out a snarl at the sound of Izaya’s voice, looking up sharply.

The stranger hissed at seeing Shizuo and namie, like a fucking snake. He made a break for the door, and Shizuo was too stunned by his wild eyes and fury to think of stopping him. He turned his attention to Izaya once creepo was gone.

“Who the fuck was that? I think he left with your shirt.”

“No one important. I didn’t like that shirt anyway."

“All your shirts are exactly the same. Why was he so mad?”

“Like your closet has anything other than bartender uniforms. I wouldn’t help him with a...personal problem of his.”

“Why were his pants halfway undone?”

“...I think Shizu-chan knows why.” Izaya sighs, standing up. Namie snickers from where she’s messing with her phone, probably looking at the pictures she took. Shizuo feels sick. It’s sick, what that man wanted to do. What he was trying to do. And here this woman is laughing at her boss nearly falling victim to something this sick, and said boss is just sitting on the floor and staring into space, blood drying on his mouth and eyes blank. Fucking hell… Namie is still chuckling, snickering something to Izaya about “I didn’t know you offered those services-”

“Shut the fuck up!” Shizuo snaps at her, and both she and Izaya snap their attention to him. He ignores the woman to grab Izaya and pull him up by a bruising arm. “Where’s the bathroom?” He asks Namie, Izaya looking too startled and out of it for Shizuo to expect an answer. The woman points with a glare and Shizuo heads down the hall where she’s pointing.

He hopes she’ll be gone when they’re out. Once he finds the bathroom he shoves Izaya inside. Luckily the flea takes the hint, and starts brushing his teeth and cleaning his mouth of blood. Once he’s done Izaya starts to pull out a first aid kit, which makes Shizuo frown.

“Hey,” He starts, and Izaya looks at him.

“Oh, right. I assume you’re here to attempt to kick my ass for this morning's prank?”

“I’ll take you to Shinra’s.”

“...what?” Izaya asked, frowning at him.

“You bleeding in at least three places you can’t reach. I’d help but… you should see him.”

“Why?” Izaya asks, looking genuinely confused and Shizuo just sighs, irritated. Irritated until he looks back at Izaya whose eyes aren’t quite as focused as they should be, anyway. He feels sick.  

“Cause you need a friend after...Fucking hell, just c’mon already!” He snaps, grabbing Izaya and hauling him to his feet. He stumbles, bringing a hand to his head.

“Haha, and you think Shinra will care?” Izaya asks, sounding amused. Like his friend won’t care he was nearly raped. Shizuo ignores him, grabbing Izaya’s coat from the floor, shaking any glass off, and shoving them both at the door. He looks down at his hand on Izaya’s arm to make sure he isn’t gripping too hard, he isn’t always aware of his strength, but his grip is as loose as it feels.

They take the train. It’s faster, but people give them both shocked looks, especially Izaya who’s dripping blood onto the train floor. Shizuo feels bad about whoever will have to clean that up. He feels worse when a sweet elderly woman faints at the sight of the two strongest men together on the train.

Other than that though there are no problems getting to Shinra and Celty’s place. Celty wasn’t there, but that was probably a good thing. If she was then seeing the two of them standing together calmly, even if one had probably been hit a little too hard in the head, would scare her. Shizuo imagined she’d grab shinra and start running from imaginary aliens. It really wasn’t an unreasonable idea, though. Shizuo could hardly believe it himself.

“Yo.” He greets Shinra, when he opens the door. Shinra freezes in place, eyes wide behind clear glasses and mouth open. Izaya doesn’t speak, just stands there bored and dripping blood onto the floor. Shizuo pushes them both past Shinra, grabbing the doctor and pulling him inside as well. He leaves Izaya in the living room so he can talk to Shinra.

 

 

Was that sad?? Sorry... here are some memes... 

 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/549228117028858090/

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/245375879676034380/

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/448741550355066617/

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/534521049502014876/ (For the Shizuo fans)

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/ARyxFwGMmXfvA6J7VYmeXVOhK8qtYBatJLYSKjhnuurjZSJDbmO82_A/

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/167336942379204575/

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/444097213232481266/

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/426293920950010260/

 

Also heres a link to a song I like. I like to think of it as Kanra's (Genderbent Izaya's) theme song 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxMLmoyHiiQ (chewing gum - Poppy)

 

Actually I have a whole playlist for Kanra 

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLu19NGJeb1JeFvYnI1GV_U6OF9DZkRsgj 

 

And here's some songs for Izaya 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg-if-6FeVA (Message Man - 21 Pilots) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsLMoxa6xZ0 (Afraid- The Neighborhood) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blx7u7PVbZI (Everybody Loves Me - Onerepublic) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A3PMQA5c74 (Take me to church - Hozier)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AtkWnBjGBU (Handclap - Fitz and the Tantrums)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhP3J0j9JmY (Believer- Imagine Dragons)

 

Obvs some for Shizuo 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kh5sOQdrlEc (Monster - Skillet)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhSA9H9Iaqw (Monster - Imagine Dragons) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psrjbmOv4RA (Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani ft Akon) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXcTKbixves (John Wayne - Lady Gaga)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6CEjG-bCVM (Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace)

 

And of course, for Celty 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLaeOrDmWQ4 (Old Yellow Bricks - Arctic Monkeys) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyNwWTnCaEA (Tangled up - Caro Emerald) 

 

Shinra

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPlXdFwWcV4 (Breezeblocks- Alt J)

 

Mikado 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kiu420-YR8Q (Ordinary Human- Onerepublic)

 

Erika 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCDgJiPBxfI (I Ship It - Not Literally Productions) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5XXCiRyks0 (They Found Out About My Yaoi - Heartfelt Humor) 

 

I wish I had some for Namie/Vorona/Dotachin but that would take...time. So. Unless you wanna see more dumb playlists this is it

 

Thanks! <3 

 


	6. Hey, Remember The Time Gordon Ramsay Came In And Took Over The Show?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know anymore. This was truly random.

Welcome back to the bachelor! We have a special guest for episode five! Please welcome, Gordon Ramsay! A special announcement before we start, Kanra-chan would like you all to know that she is completely and madly in love with Greeneyedceil. There is no other for her, and she’d die for Greeneyedceil. (This was a dare. I lost a dare.)  And now, Gordon Ramsay everyone!

“What’s up with all the American celebrities?” Izaya asks, annoyed.

“Shut up.” Gordon fires back, walking out on stage. “Let’s get to work everybody!” Gordon says, walking grandly into the room. No one notices, but he forgets to close the door and several pairs of glowing eyes start to peek in.

“Whoa, you’re like a British Shizu-chan!”

“I  _SAID_ , shut the fuck up! That- that doesn’t even make any sense! You barely know him in this fuck fest of a fanfic, how would you know to compare my looks and temper with his?”

L-let’s not break the fourth wall here, Gordon-

“And another thing! That woman, Naaamee or something, she did a whole roast for the show BUT THAT’S CANNON TO THE ANIME, IT DOESN’T WORK WITH THE BLOODY FIC!”

M-moving on! So today we’ll be having Gordon and his crew creating a dinner for Orihara-san and each contestant based on what they both like and-

“No.” Gordon speaks up. “I changed my mind. You’re all going to be preparing a meal, FOR ME.”

But that’s not what we’re paying you to do…

“I SAID, you’re all preparing a meal FOR ME. This is MY SHOW NOW FUCKER! Oh, and that includes you Mr Narrator.”

I can’t cook! I’m a disembodied voice-

“YOU’RE COOKING!”

Y-Yes sir! Uh- then why don’t we head to the kitchen… I suppose that Kadota Kyouhei will be going first.

“No. You’re cooking first and you have 1 hour. Go!”

* * *

 

_1 Hour later_

A-alright, here is my dish…!

“And just what the fuck is this?” Gordon asks, staring angrily at the pile of garbage that appears before him.

I-I like to call it  _I Don’t Have Hands So I Ordered Chinese, Got Hungry, And Ate The Chinese So Then I Ordered A Pizza But I Ate That Too_...Sir.

“You disgust me. I’m taking away your Antidepressants. Zero points.”

Yes sir....

“Zero from me too!” Izaya chimes in, annoyed at being ignored again.

Up next… Kadota Kyouhei. You have 1 hour to cook a full meal and present it before Gordon Ramsay.

“Don’t forget me!” Izaya cries. “I’m the bachelor!”

And Orihara-san.

* * *

_1 hour later_

“Here ya guys go! Fried Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, and biscuits~ Well, what do you guys think-” Kadota is cut off by a bowl of mashed potatoes flying into his face. The bowls drops to the floor, and potatoes drip slowly from Kadota's face. 

“This is garbage!!”

“I-I tried really hard-” Kadota says, and no he's not crying you are. 

“IF YOU’RE GOING TO TRY AND POISON ME, AT LEAST PICK A JAPANESE CUISINE! ZERO POINTS!” Gordon yells furiously. Kadota yelps as a chicken breast goes flying past his head.

“For the record, this is nice efforts from someone that deep in the closet.” Izaya says, munching on a biscuit. “Ten gay points for Dotachin!” Kadota blushes and scurries off.

Poor, poor gay Kadota-san. Up next, Yuuhei Hanejima! You have 1 hour-

“Hey! Where do you think you’re taking me?” Gordon demands as Kasuka grabs him by the hand and leads him to the kitchen.

Uh, you have one hour! G-good luck?

* * *

 

_1 hour later._

“For my meal,” Kasuka says, entering the room and pushing Gordon along with him. “I have carefully prepared the only thing worth eating. Ramsay himself!”

“B-baka!” Gordon snaps, blushing. He’s wearing no clothes, save for his Chef’s hat. That’s not to say he’s naked, though. Whipped cream adorned with a strawberry in the center covers his nipples, and an arrow of chocolate syrup points lewdly to his crotch. It’s hidden delicately by a peeled banana, held in place by a thick mound of vanilla pudding. Turning him, Kasuka reveals the backside of his…”dish.” It’s merely bare, no food seen on his back, legs, or ass.

Um? Why turn him if you only did the front?

“I thought his ass looked good enough to eat. So I left the outside untouched.” Kasuka exclaims. Izaya subtly takes out a camera to take pictures as Kasuka spreads the good enough to eat ass. A censor bar quickly hides it from view. “I stuffed the inside with grapes, strawberries, and a candy Dildo.”

Yum.

“I-Idiot!” Gordon snaps, blushing and shaking like a tsundere school girl. “I’m n-not food!”

“Food shouldn’t talk.” Kasuka reprimands him quietly. “Perhaps I haven’t prepared you enough…”

UP NEXT, NAMIE YAGIRI! You have one hour, go-

“Actually,” Gordon cuts in. “I had a chat with Miss Namie and Miss Vorona. They happen to have plenty of experience with cooking. So much so, in fact, that I’ve decided to give them the day off to do whatever they want. We'll be taking a break to see what they're up to while I go get changed back into my clothes."

“Since when do you call the shots?” Izaya asks, glaring at Gordon.

“Since I got here! Now, Mr Orihara, YOU will be cooking for me this round. You have one hour, good luck.”

That’s my line… “I refuse!” Izaya snapped, and Gordon grins widly.

“Suit yourself. I’ll just have Mr Kasuka fix another meal for me. And you get to be the dish-”

“No! I’ll fix a meal. I’ll do it.” Izaya hurries to agree, backing away from Kasuka. He’s holding another banana and giving Izaya and very interested look that sends unpleasant shivers down his spine.  _‘Ugh…’_

Y-you have one hour, good luck!

_1 Hour Later._

“Hmph.” Setting down his plate in front of Gordon, Izaya huffs. “Here. It’s just fried rice, so tell me how awful it is so we can move on.”

“You’d better prepare for an earful!” Gordon growls, scowling at the dish. He scoops some up with a fork, because fuck chopsticks, and shoves a bite in. “Aha! Just as I expected it’s fucking-...!”

“What? Fucking what?” Izaya demands.

“It’s….” Gordon stutters. 

Mr. Ramsay...?

“IT’S…” Gordon takes another bite, concentrating hard. 

This isn’t Monty Python, Mr. Ramsay.

“It’s delicious! Bloody hell, this is the best fried rice I’ve ever had!” Gordon shouts! “How did you get this good!?” He demands, and Izaya smiles smugly.

“I cooked it all the time for my little sisters.” Izaya smirks, chest puffing with pride. “They’re even pickier than you are! I’m incredibly talented to have satisfied them and you, don’t you think?”

“Fuck you, cocky bastard. 10 points!” Gordon announces.

Wonderful! Up next, Simon Brezhnev-

“No, no, no!” Gordon snapped, suddenly. Everyone turns to him in surprise, and Simon looks a little like he might cry.

“You don’t want my s-sushi?” Simon sniffles, and Gordon shakes his head.

“I really don’t, because I swear that looks like  _cheese_  in between the rice, but that’s not why I stopped you.” Gordon stands up and gestures to everyone in the room. “We still have five bloody contestants left and...this is boring!” He shouts, throwing his head back. “We can’t even watch you cook because it would take too much time!”

But sir, this is what the people want-

“SCREW THE PEOPLE! I’M GORDON RAMSAY AND I SAY WE’RE DOING THINGS MY BLOODY WAY!”

Well alrighty then! O.O

“Good. Now, first order of business… Who is to be voted off this week?”

“That’s actually my decision.” Izaya speaks up, crossing his arms. “And I haven’t decided yet.”

“Oh please, we all know you’ll pick the manly bartender in the end, you fruitloop. Tommy boy, you’re off! Get the hell out of my kitchen!"

“I-I’m a good cook though! I was going to make my dead grandmothers chili! She taught me right as she was dying from the cancer-”

“No one cares! Go away now, you boring man!”

“I haven’t even gotten to sleep with him!” Izaya yells, pouting. “I was going to get rid of Namie.”

“Too bad. And speaking of Namie, the fans seem to like any interaction with her and the Russian right?” Gordon asks the narrator.

It would seem so.

“Great.” Picking up a stick and walking over to Vorona, gordon prods her arm with the stick a few times.

“C’mon. Do lesbian stuff.” He says, and Namie scowls at him.

“That is incredibly insensitive! Stop it!” She snaps, smacking the stick out of his hand.

“I agree.” Vorona pipes up, wishing she could grab her gun.

“Me too!” Pipes up a random fan. It turns out to be Edainwen.

Oh god, one got in. Please, please tell me you shut the doors!

“What?” Gordon asks, staring at them. He doesn’t notice another fan climbing up his shoulder until she breathes into his ear,

 _“I was waiting for you…”_  Sociopathicnutellaeggplant coos.

The fans have gotten in!

“KILL THE HEATHEN VORONA!” Casisnotonfire screams, machine guns in both hands. They opens fire, and narrowly missing NummySammiches whos smirking at Kadota.

“You’re gaaaayyyy.”

“I am not!” He snaps, subtly trying his rainbow scarf tighter around his neck.

“SHIZAYA FOR LIFE!” Yells Na01ma04, jumping wildly around the room.

RUN! EVERYBODY RUN! ONCE THEY’RE IN, THERE’S NO GETTING RID OF THEM!

The cast runs, down the hall and away from the fangirls/fanboys chasing them. They turn a corner and find Nightfury33o rocking back and forth.

“I can’t decide” The hiss, rocking faster. “Who should I vote off?!” The durarara!! gang screams, running down a new hall. This time they run into a gang.

Oh no…! It’s more Shizaya fans! OH GOD WHY?!

“Shizaya, Shizaya, Shizaya!” They chant, stepping forward to reveal their faces. Among them are Ekmlau, Voissane, and Twistedlove. They snap their fingers rhythmically, wearing leather jackets and smoking. Just as the gang turns to run again, they find another fangirl standing in their path.

“I need Izaya to fuck EVERYONE!” Greeneyedceil cackles maniacally. “EVERYONE!”

“Noooo!” Izaya yells, climbing out a nearby window. “I’m asexual!” He falls into the bushes outside, and behind him the others and the camera crew climb out as well. The fans follow.

“You’re insane.” Aurora says, and Kalia nods in agreement. They're standing next to the bushes casually, and behind them are more just waiting to pounce. 

HELP! ONE’S GOT ME!

“I love you, narrator!” Cries bubblesandwich. “YOU’RE THE BEST!”

Nooooo I’m not even real!

“Angst!” TeamAlphaQ joins the fray, sprinkling something on everyone’s heads. "Angggssttt!” They sob brokenly.

Is that glitter?

"NO IT'S ANGST!"

Spiral creator creeps up then, when no one is looking and grabs Kasuka. She sneaks away with him quietly. Nono_rarara pulls a getaway car up, and they drive off with him together.

THIS IS A MESS!

“I like it.” Spectrum says. “I think it’s-”

NO! Don’t praise us! We can’t handle your beautiful rants of praise! (I love them, I’m just teasing~)

"And what about mine?!" Chosha demands, tackling Izaya who screams. His skin starts to melt from the intense affection they offer. 

"NO! I can't handle any form of affection! I am an antagonissssstttt!!" 

“Stop!” Kanra-chan yells, stepping into the room. In her hand she holds a Durarara!! Manga. It’s  _ **cannon**_ , the fangirls/boys natural enemies. The fans hiss and scurry away, for they cannot fully handle cannon without Shizaya. Hissing like lizards, they all scatter and leave the building with the ferocious screams of fans. 

“My job here is done.” Kanra says, walking out of the room. (sorry for the self insert, I honestly didn't know what else to do)

"Um…” Shizuo starts, frowning. “Are-are they coming back with my brother? I think they stole my brother…”

“NOPE.”

T-th...thank you for watching...stay...stay tuned for next week, with hopefully a much more normal episode. We would like to thank TheIdeas, manvsmilk, na01ma04, RicaDiAngelo, stayingtrue37, Sociopathicnutellaeggplant, Nono_rarara, Pegocorn48, ekmlau, Voissane, Chilled_Mango_Beans, bubblesandwich, fadeout, QueenofVoid, soulless_zodiac, Empress_of_Trash, tzaya, TaroTanaka, SpiralCreator, Childish_paw, teddybear2085, maradeeb2002, AnimeLxveMix, Sicklefang, Casisnotonfire, Wolfevil, and allurglory as well as any other viewers.

Goodbye Tom. Plesse cast your vote for next week and....Please. Please, just watch from home from now on. Thank you… Goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if I forgot anyone! I love you aaaalllll
> 
> I'm sorry this was so random and shitty but I had no other ideas. (That were good)


	7. Sorry no update here's some stupid shit #2

I know, I know, geez Kanra get it together. Well FYI, I DO have it together. I'm just lazy. SO A FEW IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS WITH YOU GUYS AAAHHHHH! 

First, for the next chapter I need you sweeties to vote because not many did last week BUT ALSO...fanmail. I want you guys to write some fanmail to the current contestants of the show and I'll have the Durarara peeps read it! (Feel free to write to Mr Narrator)

You know, like if this were an actual show and you were team Shizuo or Team Vorona and wanted them to win. The crazier it is, the better! It can even be hatemail if you want~(Cough, Casisnotonfire, cough cough) 

So that's all for that. _Neeexttttt_

some might be wondering why I haven't updated in awhile?

No, no you weren't but for the sake of my ego lets say you were. The reason is, I've been working on TWO NEW STORIES!! AHHHHH!

Now don't get TOO excited (Pssh you're like "get excited for YOU? No, we just want TeamalphaQ or Greeneyedceil or Tastewithouttalent to name a few to update. Kanra-chan is just for when we have nothing else to read" ) they aren't very long stories... In fact one will either be just a two chapter story or a long oneshot and the other will be 10 chapters MAX but still! Yay!! 

So anyway I thought I'd give you guys a special sneak peek and see what you think! =D

Here's the first sneak peek! It's called **Meant To Be** and stars Psyche-chan and the other alts!

* * *

 

_Everyone enjoys the idea of fate… Fated to be a hero. Fated to be wise. Fated… to fall in love. To be with the person you love through thick and thin, good health and bad, and all that fun stuff! It’s purely romantic and happy, a thought and dream clung to by nearly everyone._

_Yes, the very idea of love was created to assure us we’d never have to be alone. That we could rely on another person no matter what happened and share our lives. Pessimists say love never lasts. Realists are prepared to deal with the good and bad that may or may not come from love._

_Optimists believe we’re all fated to be with our perfect match. That’s what I am, an optimist! Tsuguru-chan taught me that~ He’s so wise! And he’s also my perfect match. Throughout all time, in every reality, in any body and every mind, Tsu-chan and I are meant to be together._

* * *

 

  _It doesn’t take long to get to the top, but when he realizes another door is at the top he feels panicked. What if it needs a different key? What if a murder got in the house and is waiting at the bottom for he and Pretty to come down? What if-_

_Creeeeaakk!_

_Psyche shrieks, grabbing the knob and shoving the door open. Once inside he slams the door shut as hard as he can, pressing himself against the wood and listening very carefully for any other noises. When, after a few tense moments, he hears nothing he finally relaxes._

_“Hello.” Comes a deep voice. Psyche screams again, whipping around to find a blonde man in yukata standing a few feet away._

_“If you make me into a pie it must be apple!” He yells, clutching Pretty tightly to his chest. “I don’t fit any other flavor!”_

_“I don’t know how to bake pies.” The other man mumbles, staying where he is and silently observing him._

_“...Really?” He asks, hopefully. “You won’t make me into a yucky pecan pie?”_

_“I won’t.” The blonde assures him. “If I were to make you into a dessert, I probably wouldn’t pick a western one.”_

_“Oh.” He nods, because that makes sense. “That’s okay then. Hi, I’m Psyche, and this is Pretty!” He holds up his Zebra happily stepping forward to show her off. The blonde man smiles._

_“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Psyche-kun. Pretty-san.” Tsugaru bows politely._

* * *

 

 And there you go! It's from two different points in the story, hope that wasn't confusing lol The first bit is the beginning and the second is later in chapter one. And I don't wanna give too much away but lets just say it won't be narrated by psyche the whole time...

And the second is called **One Word, Two Syllables/To Fret Or Express Concern** Hehehe~ Here ya go~

* * *

 

“Just stand still!” Ikari snaps, and Izaya can’t help his laughter. ‘Just like Shizu-chan!’ He thinks, delighted. They’re on the streets of Ikebukuro, but no one is around. It would normally be incredibly odd for no one populating the street at this time of day, no one even in their car, but a second look around shows the tell-tale signs of a monster. Shizuo was here.

‘But he’s probably gone by now.’ He assures himself, dodging another punch. Ikari is fast, more so than Shizuo, but no one is as fast as Izaya. Still, when Ikari stops mid punch he feels a bit of dark anticipation. He has good reason, too, when Ikari crouches down to grab a bat. It’s studded throw with long nails and likely something a thug had dropped in Shizuo’s reign of terror.

This makes him nervous because it gives Ikari much more range, and he’s good with things like this. Izaya supposes years of throwing bottles and punches and kicks at terrified partners will hone his skills some. Still, there’d be no point to this whole thing if Ikari weren’t dangerous.

So Izaya smirks, drawing wide across his face and trying to convince his heart to beat with excitement instead of dread. He thinks he’s almost got it when Ikari lunges, swinging hard for Izaya’s head and barely missing.

“Shoulda said yes!” Ikari hisses, and Izaya’s voice bubbles in a laugh. He’s too focused to notice the lone figure that’s just emerged from an alley.

“You’re still on about that?” He asks, and tilting his head turns out to be a mistake when Ikari takes another swing at his head. It’s a painful jerk to his neck to get out of the way in time, and he’s starting to think he needs to calm things down now.

“I told you, I’m just not there yet.” He smiles sweetly, faking an expression of pleading that is probably as see through as a wet white tee-shirt. “Why don’t you put the bat down, and we’ll go back to my place?”

“Too late!" Ikari snarls, and the bat comes down. Izaya knows, even as his feet stutter backwards and his chest jerks backwards, that he won’t move in time to avoid it completely. Luckily he doesn’t have to, when an already bloodied hand catches it. His butt hits the pavement and he watches with a muted sense of alarm as few nails shove themselves through that hand. What's more alarming, Izaya hears no cry of pain.

It’s no wonder why, though, when he sees it’s Shizuo who caught the bat.

“Shizu-chan…” Surprise is clear in his voice. The blonde doesn’t look at him, ripping the bat from Ikari’s hands and breaking it over his knee. “Ah. I didn’t know you cared.” Izaya says, voice as flat and calm as he can make it. He’s not sure what to think of this- it just doesn’t make sense and he isn’t going to give anything away in his voice.

“I didn’t stop him for you.” Shizuo huffs, glaring at Izaya. He grabs Ikari by the collar, dragging him close with a frown. He doesn’t even look all that mad. In fact he just looks… Offended? That’s not quite right, but it’s close.

“Oi. You shouldn’t hit your partner.” He says, and Izaya feels his eyes go wide. He lets Ikari go, stepping away to slip his cigarettes from his pocket and light one.

“Fuck you!” Ikari snaps, speaking for the first time since Shizuo arrived.

* * *

AHHHHH I KNOW RIGHT?? Well there ya go, that's why I've been absent. But there SHOULD BE an update on **Nooses Around Necks And Bones Made Of Brick** soon. Maybe tonight, I don't know yet.

Remember to vote below and send in some fake (or real, if you're as obsessed with certain characters as I am...ahh Izaya <3 <3 <3) fanmail for the contestants to read! thank you, g'night!

**Author's Note:**

> <3 Thanks for reading sweeties <3


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